I'd be really grateful if you could take the time to read my topic and leave advice and opinions.
Well this is a thread about coming out and I can't believe I'm actually typing this as it was worse fear and blocked out secret I had for years. I guess some think that liking spice girls means you must be gay and when kids knew that when I was in school they teased me. It wasn't that I just liked spice girls, I liked pop music in genral... acts like backstreet boys and Pj and Duncan lol. I carried on liking pop music till I was about 15 I think and I got badly teased for it and so I always had that feeling from that moment that I wasn't right. I always knew I liked guys as well as girls but I blocked it out of my head and tried my best to ignore it. When I think back now though I remember lots of moments from a very young age of 5 where I would watch TV and be attracted to actors on the screen and be turned on when I saw the fetishs I liked happen on the screen and carried on. So I know I was born that way, I went through a stage where I thought It must be the enviroment I grew up in and I was starting to resent my father for not taking me to play football and different sports - So then I started to force myself to play different sports I had no interest in but I was hoping it would cure me. Then I went through a stage of I must have a mental illness and it will go away as long as I keep ignoring it and I find a girl friend.
I've had serious relationships with girls who I loved so much but if I'm completely honest I never reached a sexual point when having sex if you get what I mean. I was so dying to enjoy it and get turned on and I rarely enjoyed it but I just thought it will come eventually and feel right and I will instantly be turned on when I see her stripping.
I know the main reasons why I didn't want it to be true and it's because I just never saw myself like the guys I saw who were gay around me. I see myself as a normal guy I do like my certain sport, well I just see myself as a lad. The guys who I saw were very camp and feminine and I was scared that could be me or people were going to see me like that and I certaintly was not attracted to them and that led me to think that well it's just some confusion in my head and it will go as I get older and mature. (I don't want to sound homophobic I don't see anything wrong with camp guys whatsoever I've had friends like that but I just meant I was not attracted to that type of person)
My most distictive moment I have of where I started to come out of my shell was flicking through channels and I started watching celebrity big brother (I don't usually watch crap like that) They had rugby player Gareth on there and It was the first time I saw someone who I could relate to and understand. They also had on there Andrew Stone who insisted he was straight. He might very well be but im sure most people like me thought it's so obvious mate just come out and be yourself theres nothing wrong with who you are. But then it clicked with me that I am just the same as him, I don't think anyone around me thinks I am gay though if they do then they haven't said so apart from when I was listening to pop on my disc walkman while everyone else was play my chemical romance lol in Schoool. That backlash I had in school was really humiliating and hurt so much that it sent me down a long path of denial.
I sent myself insane and I was so paronoid about someone might knowing my secret. I sent myself the most insane with I'm not masculine enough and forcing myself todo or like certain things. That was the biggest thing that sent me insane that I didn't want to be myself I wanted to be someone else, It was like every few days I'd be playing a new charecter trying to be someone different to who I am b/c I did not want to be this way I would always think in my head I just want to be normal and fit in.
After watching that Big Brother series I started really thinking and what got to me the most was that I was being a coward because I was to scared of being truthful to myself. I was doing the pray to god thing to be straight and I thought if gods real he will grant me my wish.
I started looking into the Bible b/c I heard that people change there lives with the help of God and The Bible. Reading the bible I read that it was a sin to be gay. When I read that part it was a 2 edge sword b/c for 1 I was happy that I read it was wrong but then I started to question it aswell as to weather the Bible was wrote by God b/c I knew deep down sexualality wasn't a choice, I was born with this and to me it seems natural so how could it be a sin?
That started me looking into the history of the Bible (reading and watching documentry's) from the study's I did nothing makes sence as to the story's that are wrote, the times etc don't add up and countless other bits that I wont write b/c it would be 10 pages long. What I learnt was I cant remember the Kings name but he put the Bible out there to his country to keep control over his country and make everyone behave the way he wanted them to. So it's kind of like the prime minister giving us all a book and we have to abide by his rules otherwise we go to prison. The only difference the king did was say you would go to hell.
I don't want to offend anyone with my views on the bible b/c it's such a powerful thing and I want to believe its true and I do sometimes still pray weather it's to god or just to send my thoughts out to the universe (if you have read the secret you understand what I mean by sending out thoughts to the universe). I have read countless self help books to try and be straight - what a waiste of time and money those books are!!
So recently I started to except it and felt this huge relief of my shoulders and also excited about the future!!!
This has gone on for a few months though, I work in building so I'm around guys alot and I brought up the subject of homosexuality (I didn't say I was, I just wanted to see what they thought about it) The reaction I got back was bad and it led me back down the path of I must be wrong I gotta try and be straight. I don't want to be the Joke. Right now I think I am ready to except it, I am ready but I think if I get a bad response it will send me back down that path or I will want to punch them in the face lol.
It really is not a choice though what your sexuality is, If it were then probally everyone would be straight. I also kind of believe that we were born to be a certain way that like sexuality is part of your gifts and talents and it's up to you what you do with them but if your honest and happy with yourself u will be the happiest and most succesful person alive b/c your living to your true potenial.
This is a new start in my life and im so looking forward to the rest of my life because I don't have that weight on my shoulders anymore and I will get a chance to experience what real love is. It's such a strange feeling i feel right now coming out, I feel just free and elated that Ive excepted who I am.
I find it really funny that in this day people still follow it so blindly and treat it like it's something written by God. When it's no different than any other book ever written by other humans. Somebody shoved their believes into it and people follow it like it's God's words when it's not. 
